Fuckin… heading to the brew.
Heading to get my giro.
And I pass this couple of buses at the side of the road.
Everybody’s piling off the front one and into the one behind.
Auld folk like that “This is ridiculous.
Never used to be like this with the corporation buses”.
I was like that, I see, we’ve got ourselves a breakdown.
I checks to see where they’re all heading.
Yoker. And I just pissed myself laughing.

Cos Yoker’s one of these places I only know from the front of a bus.
Never been there, don’t know what it’s like, it’s just this pure fabled land that sounds like a pure mad egg yolk.
So I was watching everybody getting on, trying to show their tickets to the driver, but he wasn’t having it.
Just waving them on like that “Aye, I know where yous came from, I can see the bus, what d’yous think I am? Daft?”
And a wee voice in my head said “Dee Dee.
I know you’ve got to get your giro, but the brew’s always gonnae be there”.
“But this, on the other hand, is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Go for it”.
So I just went like that…

Fuck it.

And I joins the queue.
Second’s I do it, the driver starts checking people’s tickets.
I was like that “Oh here, forget it”.
But I just got pure caught up in the slipstream.

Belting it towards the moment of truth at 100mph like a lamb to the slaughter.
Heart pounding. Pulse racing.

先生の自宅でゆったりマンツーマン英会話プライベートレッスン
オンラインレッスンも！ 時間・場所・その他条件にあった先生のお問い合わせはお気軽にどうぞ

I was like that, this is like Midnight Express, I could get the jail
here.

Right, what it is is…
Cool.
I did it.
So there I was, bird’s eye view, whizzing by the brew like that,
“Ta ta giro, maybe some other day, ih?
Cos I’m on the bus… to Yoker”,
couldn’t believe what I was hearing in my head, man, seriously.
This was actually happening.
But then I thought, hold on.
Don’t get too excited.
There could be somebody looking at the back of your nut right now thinking “Here.
Who’s he? He’s not from Yoker.
He’s got no business being on this bus.
Get his head kicked, man”.
Nobody. I got away with it. Just pure got away with the lot of it.

So I loosened up and started chatting with folk, to get a bit of local knowledge before I got there.

DEE DEE
So this bus is for Yoker, aye?

MARY
Aye.

DEE DEE
I’ve just moved there, is it good?

MARY
Aye, it’s a lovely place, I’ve lived there all my life, Yoker born and bred.

DEE DEE
Mind boggling.

That you’ve never once in your life wondered what Yoker’s like.

Half an hour later, I start seeing the signs.
Yoker Newsagents. Yoker Post Office. Yoker F.C. Yoker everything.

They even had a barber that rhymed with Yoker.
“Hair by Les Porter”.
What are the chances of that?

DEE DEE
Here, what’s the bets his name was Smith or something but he changed it to fit in.

MARY
What?

Gets to the terminus.
And everybody starts piling off.
I hits the driver with my charms.

DEE DEE
Driver, when d’you leave?

DRIVER
5 minutes.

DEE DEE
I conked out and missed my stop, any chance you could gie’s a ticket so I can nip off for a fag?
Cheers.

And I puts my first step onto Yoker soil.
I was in Yoker.
I thought this day would never come.
Is it really this easy?
Is it really this easy to get the things you want in life?
You just need to hold out for it?

Suddenly had the urge to just go “Here, I’m not from Yoker, I’ve got no business being here!”
I thought “Calm it, Dee Dee”, that’s no laughing matter, they’d tear you to shreds.
Now, you’ve got 5 minutes, where d’you want to go, what d’you want to do… in Yoker.
I knew exactly what.

I had to. I had to find out.
I couldn’t leave without finding out what this was all about.

Bus was a million miles away.
I thought “Dee Dee, you truly are in the outer reaches here, man.
Middle of nowhere.
And in I went into the great unknown with a fucking ding.

To ask the one big question.

DEE DEE
Les Porter?

LES PORTER
Aye?

DEE DEE
Has your name always rhymed with Yoker?
Or did it used to be Smith… or something?

And then I thought… Dee Dee, you’ve just blown your cover.
Big time. Fuck you playing at, man, go, go!

Got out of there before they started chucking their scissors at me like ninja stars.
Before big Les scalped me and stuck my head on the wall.
Ten seconds to get to that bus, man, that’s your lifeline.
What does it start doing? Starts moving.
I was like that “Naw, man”.
Felt like giving up.

I’m not from Yoker, I’m not from Yoker.
I’ve got no business being here! I’m not from Yoker!

Let them finish me off like a pack of mad wolves.
But I just kept on running for my life like I had Leatherface on my tail.

Gets to the bus but he wouldn’t let me in.
I was like that, set up, whole thing’s a set up.

Them that were on that front bus, actors, the lot of them actors.

Door opens and I bolts upstairs, right under the seat.
Didn’t dare poke my head up for the next half hour in case they were going by in a
minibus, gasping to feast on me like a shower of zombie pirates.
Picked a moment.
Up the road.
Up the stairs.
In the house.
Lock, lock, lock.
Scary, man. Scary.
But the best day of my life.